Goodness I really should write here more. I am so busy. Like BUSY busy. I work 40 hours a week, go to school three times a week in the evenings, have two children who have their own schedules to keep up with and a myriad of other things that keep me spinning. I am currently at a low point. I had a big blow out with the father of my children because he does next to nothing to provide actual parenting to them. I'm serious. He shows up Sundays for a few hours at MY house, uses MY food, MY cable, MY resources to entertain the children with because he has a minuscule job working maybe 20 hours a week at 8/hr, sleeps on his mother couch and mostly at his new girlfriends house where he has created yet another new persona in order to squeeze from her what he needs to get by. But what really set me off was that he stated proudly that he attends 3 softball league games a week. THREE. He can't be bothered to even call his children three times a week. So I lost it. Like totally lost it and broke my long running streak of not fighting with him for three years and I said some horrible things and he threw me through a doorway. Lovely right?! This is topped off with the fact that my mother is mentally unstable and relapsed on meth a few months ago and wasn't being properly treated for her bi polar disorder and now she is angry at me because I don't rush to her side and save her yet again. Not to mention that my cousin went single white female on me and tried to hijack my persona until I told her to chill and now she hates me too. YAY things are just splendid you know? Well, if there is any kind of upside to all this is that I thought I had moved past my feelings of anger and resentment but clearly I still have work to do. I'd much rather be aware of the work than to continue lifelong learned habits to sweep them under the rug. But alas, I have a new course I need to take. I need to finish retrofitting my inner being because all of these trembles are telling me that the big one is coming and I sure can't fall apart. I can't do that to my kids. Or maybe the big one already came and went and I need to rebuild totally anew. I guess only time can really tell for now. Until next time. D

I wish I wasn't.....

I wish I wasn't so damn frustrated. I wish I wasn't so damn angry. I wish I wasn't so damn tired. But I am. I wish he was responsible. I wish he showed his kids he cared. I wish he wasn't an alcoholic. But I can't change any of it. I want a time machine so I can speed up and get to the place and time where he wont affect me any longer. But I know without today's lessons I cannot grow and will not move forward. Its not that I wish he would get his finances together. Its more that I wish I could afford it all without him. I wish there was no ties to him any longer. I want to sail away from him and leave him on his desolate island to figure his own escape plan.

Uneasy

I am so uneasy about my children and their father and his "side" of the family. This man is celebrated for raising beer cans to his face rather than raising his kids. There is nothing quite like the look of disappointment on a child's face at the hands of their parent and I see this look all to many times on my children's faces due to their father. How do I forgive this? How do I separate what he does and his family's indifference and defensiveness for him and his behavior? I know they love the children, but I feel so protective of them I sometimes am afraid to let them get too close. There is an upcoming vacation where the children are invited to go, and myself as well as an afterthought, and I know they will be looked after, there is a mistrust that I feel toward them based on their support for this ridiculous father my children have that makes me doubt if they are safe at all. Maybe this is all jumbled and confusing to read but I doubt anyone is listening anyhow. Just feels better to get it out and off my chest. I need to do some thinking.

.....

Sometimes I am unimaginably lonely. The problem is I'm so good at faking happy that I don't even notice how lonely I am. It really is quite pathetic actually. Im surrounded by people all the time and I yet I feel so alone. So unknown. I've loved before, but I haven't been loved back. For some reason I always fall short of what they are looking for, not quite enough. I am enough for myself, I know my value. The problem is I just want to be looked at and actually be seen. Ive been invisible for so long. I just want to be found. It never rains in real life like it does in the movies. Nothing ever happens like it does in the movies. But for some reason I feel like real life isn't real either. How can it be so full and so empty at the same time? How can I have everything and nothing all the same? I wish I was a note from Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata because those hauntingly beautiful and lonely musical notes are sometimes the only true moments that really exist in life as they disappear into the air like memories.

How to do.....anything? Some days like today, I feel the whole world on my shoulders. I want to do more for my children, I want to reach out to those children in the papers beaten abused killed and tell them I'll love them even though sadly there own parents didn't.

UGH.

Nothing makes me more sad then when I realize I am actually living out scenes from those cheesy Single Mother scenario movies where the kids sit at the window anxiously waiting their fathers arrival. Except in real life, there is no Jake Gyllenhall or Charlie Hunnam waiting in the sidelines for me to finally discover they are the man we have all been waiting for to be Daddy and husband. In real life, you have to say to your kids, "I know your sad Dad didn't show up and believe me he really does want to be here BUT, he can't do regular things like you and me. He can't wake up on time or get to the places he says he will even if he wants to be there. Do You wanna talk about it?" In my head I wanna scream at Dad and tell h m whats what but I know it won't do any good. He is a grown man for goodness sake and should know better, but I am not his mother and I can not save him from himself any better than I can save my children from the disappointment they will suffer from having him as a father. I can only love them that much more and hold them that much closer. I can only be the voice of reason when they get angry or sad and try to help them understand the tricky road of loving from a distance. But the nerve of this guy to know these beautiful children, know their kindness, and vulnerability and still continue after 10 years of time to get it together..FAIL. Fail to meet their needs, fail to be there when he says he will, fail to provide them a safe place to fall. The nerve of him! But who am I to judge? I have my short comings as well, however I can't ever imagine them being solely based around my children, these blessed joys of wonderment. Amazing people with great things to say and contribute to my world. So for that I won't judge. Only Pity. Because I am the lucky one. I hold them close, I feel their little heartbeats, I feel the breath on my cheek as they slumber quietly next to me. I witness their triumphs and lift them up when they do not succeed, That is the true joy. That is the real purpose. I AM WITNESS TO WHO THEY ARE. And for that I am grateful.

Change

This past year has been a big one for me in the learning the lesson of letting go. A few major relationships have ended and oddly enough some old ones I thought were dead and gone are re emerging. Go figure.
I was initially scared to reopen those chapters I closed so long ago. I thought I made the right choice by ending them at that time. But once I set aside my fear I realized that I did make the right choice for that time but time has kept ticking and things have changed. Now I can make different choices and view the situations differently because along with time, I too have changed.
You know I find one of the hardest things about change is the letting go of who you thought you were to usher in this "new" you, a changed you. I've been me so long its hard to think of a new me without this or without that....But fighting the change does nothing but bring more pain and honestly more wear and tare and if I have to start over (again)I want to have as few rough edges as I can.