Goodness I really should write here more. I am so busy. Like BUSY busy. I work 40 hours a week, go to school three times a week in the evenings, have two children who have their own schedules to keep up with and a myriad of other things that keep me spinning. I am currently at a low point. I had a big blow out with the father of my children because he does next to nothing to provide actual parenting to them. I'm serious. He shows up Sundays for a few hours at MY house, uses MY food, MY cable, MY resources to entertain the children with because he has a minuscule job working maybe 20 hours a week at 8/hr, sleeps on his mother couch and mostly at his new girlfriends house where he has created yet another new persona in order to squeeze from her what he needs to get by. But what really set me off was that he stated proudly that he attends 3 softball league games a week. THREE. He can't be bothered to even call his children three times a week. So I lost it. Like totally lost it and broke my long running streak of not fighting with him for three years and I said some horrible things and he threw me through a doorway. Lovely right?! This is topped off with the fact that my mother is mentally unstable and relapsed on meth a few months ago and wasn't being properly treated for her bi polar disorder and now she is angry at me because I don't rush to her side and save her yet again. Not to mention that my cousin went single white female on me and tried to hijack my persona until I told her to chill and now she hates me too. YAY things are just splendid you know? Well, if there is any kind of upside to all this is that I thought I had moved past my feelings of anger and resentment but clearly I still have work to do. I'd much rather be aware of the work than to continue lifelong learned habits to sweep them under the rug. But alas, I have a new course I need to take. I need to finish retrofitting my inner being because all of these trembles are telling me that the big one is coming and I sure can't fall apart. I can't do that to my kids. Or maybe the big one already came and went and I need to rebuild totally anew. I guess only time can really tell for now. Until next time. D