How to do.....anything? Some days like today, I feel the whole world on my shoulders. I want to do more for my children, I want to reach out to those children in the papers beaten abused killed and tell them I'll love them even though sadly there own parents didn't.

UGH.

Nothing makes me more sad then when I realize I am actually living out scenes from those cheesy Single Mother scenario movies where the kids sit at the window anxiously waiting their fathers arrival. Except in real life, there is no Jake Gyllenhall or Charlie Hunnam waiting in the sidelines for me to finally discover they are the man we have all been waiting for to be Daddy and husband. In real life, you have to say to your kids, "I know your sad Dad didn't show up and believe me he really does want to be here BUT, he can't do regular things like you and me. He can't wake up on time or get to the places he says he will even if he wants to be there. Do You wanna talk about it?" In my head I wanna scream at Dad and tell h m whats what but I know it won't do any good. He is a grown man for goodness sake and should know better, but I am not his mother and I can not save him from himself any better than I can save my children from the disappointment they will suffer from having him as a father. I can only love them that much more and hold them that much closer. I can only be the voice of reason when they get angry or sad and try to help them understand the tricky road of loving from a distance. But the nerve of this guy to know these beautiful children, know their kindness, and vulnerability and still continue after 10 years of time to get it together..FAIL. Fail to meet their needs, fail to be there when he says he will, fail to provide them a safe place to fall. The nerve of him! But who am I to judge? I have my short comings as well, however I can't ever imagine them being solely based around my children, these blessed joys of wonderment. Amazing people with great things to say and contribute to my world. So for that I won't judge. Only Pity. Because I am the lucky one. I hold them close, I feel their little heartbeats, I feel the breath on my cheek as they slumber quietly next to me. I witness their triumphs and lift them up when they do not succeed, That is the true joy. That is the real purpose. I AM WITNESS TO WHO THEY ARE. And for that I am grateful.

Change

This past year has been a big one for me in the learning the lesson of letting go. A few major relationships have ended and oddly enough some old ones I thought were dead and gone are re emerging. Go figure.
I was initially scared to reopen those chapters I closed so long ago. I thought I made the right choice by ending them at that time. But once I set aside my fear I realized that I did make the right choice for that time but time has kept ticking and things have changed. Now I can make different choices and view the situations differently because along with time, I too have changed.
You know I find one of the hardest things about change is the letting go of who you thought you were to usher in this "new" you, a changed you. I've been me so long its hard to think of a new me without this or without that....But fighting the change does nothing but bring more pain and honestly more wear and tare and if I have to start over (again)I want to have as few rough edges as I can.

And The Beat Goes On

So how exactly are you supposed to mend a broken heart that never seems to heal? I guess if I knew the answer to that I could win the Nobel Peace prize or something. Or at least write a book about it and make a quick buck. Some people write love songs, some fall into a pit of despair, I on the other hand keep going. Kids fed, clothed and bathed, I make it to school and work, I smile, laugh joke and josh. What else is there to do? Ok I admit the laundry has been neglected but shit! Who wants to wash dirty clothes when you are trying not to fall apart? So despite the fact that I am trying hang on by a thread here, I m still moving. Gotta love motion!

Here Goes Nothing..

I am a blog stalker. I read your blogs, envelope myself deep into your world and imagine I am there. Mostly I haunt mediblogs and pretend I am through with my five year plan and have finished general ed at community college and completed my nursing education......ho hum I'll get there one day! But amidst all this blog chatter I grew my head big enough to think that maybe, possibly YOU might be interested in MY world. Go figure. So I'm gonna lay it all down on the line and maybe we will have some fun. For those of you that don't know already I am a moderately young mother of two delightful (devilish) children in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can call me MadMom. My kids, daughter Chachi is eight and son Bubba is six. They are too smart for their (MY) own good. I love them dearly and couldn't imagine life without them although at times I want to close the door and stick my fingers in my ears while singing "LA LA LA LA LA LA I CANT HEAR YOU!!" But what good mom doesn't? I work 40 hours a week and go to school at night hoping to slowly knock away at my general education credits and one day apply to nursing school....insert dream sequence here......

With heart racing music pumping, Nurse MadMom races down the Emergency Room corridor. "Were losing her!" Shouts the ER Doc. "Someone get the defibrillator!"
"CLEAR!" Nurse MadMom shouts as she bursts through the exam room doors just in time.
SHOCK BOOM BOOM and silence.
"It's too late" cries the ER Doc with despair in his voice.
"Wait for it...." MadMom says with bated breath.
Beep..Beep..Beep...
"We've got a rhythm! Nurse MadMom you did it!"

....dream sequence ends... Who wouldn't want to live that dream!

I have to be honest. As AMAZING as I am I couldn't do any of this without my family. Chachi and Bubba's dad Bega, my parents Mema and Papa and my sister Esquireand her husband Sparky. We all make up the little world that spins and spins and creates fun, love and oh yeah did I mention Chaos? Well stay tuned and I will let this world unfold for you and lets see if we can't have a little fun. You in?