I wish I wasn't.....

I wish I wasn't so damn frustrated. I wish I wasn't so damn angry. I wish I wasn't so damn tired. But I am. I wish he was responsible. I wish he showed his kids he cared. I wish he wasn't an alcoholic. But I can't change any of it. I want a time machine so I can speed up and get to the place and time where he wont affect me any longer. But I know without today's lessons I cannot grow and will not move forward. Its not that I wish he would get his finances together. Its more that I wish I could afford it all without him. I wish there was no ties to him any longer. I want to sail away from him and leave him on his desolate island to figure his own escape plan.

Uneasy

I am so uneasy about my children and their father and his "side" of the family. This man is celebrated for raising beer cans to his face rather than raising his kids. There is nothing quite like the look of disappointment on a child's face at the hands of their parent and I see this look all to many times on my children's faces due to their father. How do I forgive this? How do I separate what he does and his family's indifference and defensiveness for him and his behavior? I know they love the children, but I feel so protective of them I sometimes am afraid to let them get too close. There is an upcoming vacation where the children are invited to go, and myself as well as an afterthought, and I know they will be looked after, there is a mistrust that I feel toward them based on their support for this ridiculous father my children have that makes me doubt if they are safe at all. Maybe this is all jumbled and confusing to read but I doubt anyone is listening anyhow. Just feels better to get it out and off my chest. I need to do some thinking.

.....

Sometimes I am unimaginably lonely. The problem is I'm so good at faking happy that I don't even notice how lonely I am. It really is quite pathetic actually. Im surrounded by people all the time and I yet I feel so alone. So unknown. I've loved before, but I haven't been loved back. For some reason I always fall short of what they are looking for, not quite enough. I am enough for myself, I know my value. The problem is I just want to be looked at and actually be seen. Ive been invisible for so long. I just want to be found. It never rains in real life like it does in the movies. Nothing ever happens like it does in the movies. But for some reason I feel like real life isn't real either. How can it be so full and so empty at the same time? How can I have everything and nothing all the same? I wish I was a note from Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata because those hauntingly beautiful and lonely musical notes are sometimes the only true moments that really exist in life as they disappear into the air like memories.