How to do.....anything? Some days like today, I feel the whole world on my shoulders. I want to do more for my children, I want to reach out to those children in the papers beaten abused killed and tell them I'll love them even though sadly there own parents didn't.

UGH.

Nothing makes me more sad then when I realize I am actually living out scenes from those cheesy Single Mother scenario movies where the kids sit at the window anxiously waiting their fathers arrival. Except in real life, there is no Jake Gyllenhall or Charlie Hunnam waiting in the sidelines for me to finally discover they are the man we have all been waiting for to be Daddy and husband. In real life, you have to say to your kids, "I know your sad Dad didn't show up and believe me he really does want to be here BUT, he can't do regular things like you and me. He can't wake up on time or get to the places he says he will even if he wants to be there. Do You wanna talk about it?" In my head I wanna scream at Dad and tell h m whats what but I know it won't do any good. He is a grown man for goodness sake and should know better, but I am not his mother and I can not save him from himself any better than I can save my children from the disappointment they will suffer from having him as a father. I can only love them that much more and hold them that much closer. I can only be the voice of reason when they get angry or sad and try to help them understand the tricky road of loving from a distance. But the nerve of this guy to know these beautiful children, know their kindness, and vulnerability and still continue after 10 years of time to get it together..FAIL. Fail to meet their needs, fail to be there when he says he will, fail to provide them a safe place to fall. The nerve of him! But who am I to judge? I have my short comings as well, however I can't ever imagine them being solely based around my children, these blessed joys of wonderment. Amazing people with great things to say and contribute to my world. So for that I won't judge. Only Pity. Because I am the lucky one. I hold them close, I feel their little heartbeats, I feel the breath on my cheek as they slumber quietly next to me. I witness their triumphs and lift them up when they do not succeed, That is the true joy. That is the real purpose. I AM WITNESS TO WHO THEY ARE. And for that I am grateful.